honest to god i will break your heart, tear you to pieces and rip you apart

sometimes in life, your parents wont understand, your friend wont understand, neither will your boyfriend or girlfriend.

and no matter how hard you try, there is no possibility to treat your own boyfriend/girlfriend as your bestfriend because they are just not. they gonna annoy you with all the words that you dont need to hear.

Meaning of Dream

I just had the strangest dream in my life. I was murdered or killed.

The story goes like, it begins in a church. I don't know how I got there but I didn't put myself there. The dream put me there. 

I was there standing, and to my surprise I saw my ex-girlfriend and my girlfriend there with me. It is kinda blur at this part but all I did was trying to get out of it like as if I could not take it to be there. So I took them out as well. 

The next thing happened was I and my brother were sent to a big ship. I went into the ship to assassinate a guy who looks like Hitler. After sneaking and stuff, we were in this spiral ladder and Hitler showed up. Ridiculously, I chose to throw away the gun before Hitler sees me so that I can reason with him that I was there not to kill him. Apparently he was not interested in any talking, anyone who dares to sneak into his ship is dead. He then shot my brother first and then me. 

Strange, but I swear it scared the fuck out of me. I dreamt a lot, but this one is the true nightmare.

The part when I was shot, It just went pitch black. A complete darkness and all I did was thinking whether I was really dead or not. I could not get out even I tried, trapped in a dark. It feels like hours, I tried to wake myself up but I just could not. I felt miserable, and I regret for not saving my brother. "If only I dared to stand and just shoot Hitler instead of giving excuses."

So then, after I woke up. I cant fucking get rid of the dream. I even barely remember what happened but I know I was killed in the dream. Then I googled "Dream of being killed means"

Here is what I found:

To dream that you have been killed suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. The dream refers to drastic changes that you are trying to make. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of the old parts and old habits. Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed.

This shit has a strong message.

drink it down and smile

You are a hipster. 80% of the kids I met are hipsters. yes, they think they are hip and cool.

Let me tell you something, I will never get along with ya. You turn on mainstream music mp3 u downloaded somewhere off the internet and played them over and over. You wear that hip-hip jacket, big-big glasses, and maybe you have to bring an umbrella as well during the day. You want to be just like the crowd, when you aren't you to think you are old-fashioned. 

OH FUCK YOU. you all are fags. 

Right where I belong

I don't know but I believe I am much more fired up to get things done pretty well here in Suzhou.

Maybe it was because that I needed myself to know back when I was in Indonesia how restless and useless I was to come back home but not having my purpose fulfilled. And this time I am given a chance to finish this.

And talking about age, by the way I begin to feel OLD, man! I am no longer like some of those fresh highschool graduates who feel that being put to study aboard is a Total Freedom. What I feel now is, you are meant to be here because you have something to be accomplished. Yeah, I guess that's about it. Another wall of texts, im sorry for not putting any picture, haven't been taking group pictures or anything here.

Haha Huhu~

So I was like going to this karaoke with my cousin and his gf. Unexpectedly they were bringing more friends which I haven't met before yet. So I just enjoyed the karaoke and just being easy going as easy as i can (wtf is going easy as easy as i can?)

so after some times, i finally came out with a "yes" after they asking me to sing a fucking song for so many times. I was shy but fuck it. that eminem feat rihana love the way you lie song pops and i blast like one fucking rapping star man. eventhough i got out of breath at some moments but i totally stunned them and myself, actually, that i could do the rap quite flawlessly MAN! HAHAHAH. it was definitely an epic shame for the 2 guys who deliberately chose linkin park "in the end" song and messed up the rap and verses, totally. hahahhaha.

Was fun. no PUN intended LOL. I know you guys are viewing this. THANKS :D

who you reaching out to?

somehow i'm so obsessed with this song and the rap.

by the way...

a very typical shit you all may be going through is backstabbers - if you live with many different people in different places like me. well, dealing with backstabbers, there is one thing I learned and i think you should know: they are only powerful when you have your back turned.

bringing chorus to the dirt

I wanted to blog so much, since I have plenty of times all night long going through this insomnia madness. But I know I must not put another walls of text full of rants. Plus, somehow I can't access deviantart from here. This sucks so bad :(

The only time I enjoy myself is only when I am out of this house spending time with my fellow friends. Maybe thats cus I let go some disturbing thoughts when I'm hanging out. Once I step into my house, all the pressure and shit start filling my head and bam - I have issue dealing with my mum. I got mad so easily. Oh gawd what should I do.. this shit will still apply though "Laugh at your problems, everybody else does."

Flightless Bird

I don't know if anyone is still reading this blog. It ain't like 2009! My blog is now quite boring xD I know it, but its just me - I just love to write whatever that comes on my mind ever since I was a very young kid. I used to make my own silly heroic stories on wordpad when I was a very young kid, no kidding.

So now why am I so afraid of falling down. This is the main point of this posting, my deepest fear in life.

I may be growing in a good enough family, having enough for almost everything - materials and non-materials.

But, eventually, things change. I have to take responsibility in life, and the most important thing is to learn how to survive without taking a free ride.

Honestly I am unhappy with my present state. Unhappy with myself. Unhappy with the outcome of my life. It is too late to change the past no matter how much I talk it over, and complain about it, and I will still be in the position I am in.

I can no longer live the life like I had, I must change my ways. I have to make the right choice.

Easier said then done, I know. But at least I realized how lucky I have been all along. Things will get better in time because I still believe the best is yet to come.

CHEERS!

everyday rollercoasters

I am pausing this tiny little moment. I am going to do a little self reflection.

I am asking myself why the older I get, the more I rant. Look at my postings and my facebook statuses, those are merely pointless rants.

Life is life, but sometimes you just gotta introspect yourself.

So just let me live my life. (I don't really have to mention this but, seriously no offense.)

I hate this but I suck at convincing people that I am pretty much always solo things that I do. So whenever I refuse somebody's involvement, it is just hard to avoid them from taking hard feeling over it. To be honest though, I am happy to be independent. I am happy doing my own things. I am happy not to be nosy enough to involve myself in unnecessary gatherings, social thingy shit, or anything else that does not interest me.

whatever you're doing

I used to love and I did break people's heart. Once that happened, it infused one or two things into my mind which the main point is: "If you dare to love, you are about to hurt her". Hence, this kind of mindset keeps me alone and keeping a distance from any females just cuz i'm afraid to fall for someone.

Here is the thing. At my age, honestly I need a companion. Friends are friends, lovers are lovers. But sometimes you need someone you can call her/him a partner. Someone who has the passion to accompany you, understand you, and of course he/she must suit to your personal liking. Being scared of hurting or to be hurt is an excuse. And here I am, throwing away all those excuses, starting anew. Whats gonna happen next? It is up to you.

memories

When February became June
Their affection fought the cold
But they couldn't quite remember
What inspired them to go

And it was beautifully depressing
Like a streetcar named desire
They were fighting for their love
That had started growing tired

Oh memories where'd you go

the road

Perhaps its right it IS when you start dreaming of the bad things that means you don't have to worry much because you know you're still fighting. when life is full of luxuries, thats when you gotta have to worry, son!

Savior

Have u ever gone through this, that at one point, you just want to say "Fuck it! I had enough.". The whole life I have been taking a free ride. Hence, I have to bear this so called "Guilt" which commonly known as "responsibility" as a good son. Everything is like set and stone, I am bound to do what I am supposed to do. I am not even given a choice to give out my opinion on life. This is bullshit. Even without a degree, I will choose to live my life the way I want it to be. Right from this second, I gotta think and act like a big man. Bottom line, I act not because I'm told to, is because I chose to. Another thing, my parents have been having issues in between them. I don't know, I can just feel it. It is kinda embarrassing to say but I fucking dare you that this happens to lots of people out there. I can't fix it for them, I will try though. But they are big enough to settle their own problem.

I could tell you but I wouldn't

I actually honestly really seriously do. but i regard my pride for too high that i don't really actually ridiculously even try to regard any other to win me in every fucking way over you ;) THIS!

XoXo KthxBai.

I don't know but I have the heart of rebels. I often rebel to ideas, especially when those are what most of people agreed to. And why recently I hate to give people "Happy Birthday" and shit when I see they are having one through the notification on facebook. WHYY.. i dont even know that i even hide my own birthday so that no random people would appear suddenly to give me a birthday message. I know, its a good intention. Yet, I may say i appreciate it and shit when i actually dont. you're doing it just because everyone does it. its all facebookers' nature. dont lie.

"Hey Wanda, when will you stop being a douche?" Toasty said.

"Everyone's a douche, in fact, everyone is retard to me. Unless you prove yourself otherwise." I replied.

on my own

You want a bye. I give you a bye if that makes you happy. You want juju? I show you who juju is. It has never been fucking enough. and yeah I never understand. Say whatever you want.

vulture

Classes bore me to death. No money at all that I only eat once a day borrowing from housemate. Smoked 2 packs a day. My Neroheart is jailed. My chinese aint improving much since i am lazy to install interest-plugin into my brain function. sleep all day, up all night during weekends. And I have to understand someone's state of feeling when I cant even understand mine at all.

'When life gives you lemons, fuck the lemons.'

awakening

Do you have the courage to give up what you think are important for so long? I don't. But I learned that letting go is one of the most important thing in life which requires a courage of losing everything but for a purpose. It is a twist in your story, the moment you will realize somehow you've made a tough decision. For your own.

when love itself ain't enough, it takes both personality to create the bond

Believe me, I tried.

thousand of hours lookin through window's glass

I always have different perspective yet you still come along with me. Get outta of the crowd!

Have a nice day ya'all!

we eat bamboos, we appreciate every little panda things

They say Love is grant, I say bamboo is more grant. Cause its ma food yo

So this is the very first outing I've ever had together with my girl's Chinese friends. They are locals. We all know, anything that's about hanging out with local Chinese would be disastrous. Hmm.. that shit does not really apply to me, apparently. I enjoyed my time there, it was even hilarious I dare say.

And you know what, as I'm dumb at Chinese's hollywood, I don't really know about Chinese stars. So actually I was invited by her cousin to this KTV last night. Guess what? There was a very famous Chinese actor and I did not notice him as a star at all.

He is...

Dou Xiao.

He does look Star-ish though at the KTV.

Here's his pic last night:

Overall, he's a charismatic and good-looking figure. Well, that's my opinion.

My girl said he's a "very famous" Chinese actor. I need to start working out with some Chinese-stars-encyclopedia before I miss someone like Jacky Chan if I happen to walk pass him by on some random streets in China. lol

"Thanks for the mmrs. I'm missing you again now."

passing headlights

I met my Chinese-Class classmate in Guangzhou named "Allan the Australlian" not so long ago. And guess what? He said he missed me (o'really?) and he spit out one thing that he likes about me, which is: my way of saying my thoughts. Be it on facebook, my long-forgotten twitter, or msn's personal message bar. He is about 36 y/o and I don't think he's just saying it randomly. He even slipped a word "artistic". LOL beat that! He made my day, honestly. You rock Allan.

So I've been passive on blogging or making those fine lines anywhere else. I was thinking that they were just words anyway, words that may motivate you, or perhaps eye-opening, or mostly just empty and random. But yet, I got pretty much people getting my points and liked them. Joan, my Guangzhou friend, she also convinced me that she liked my random lines. She even wrote it off somewhere to keep them.

Why I stopped? Look at facebook and how many people are getting fine lines, I have no idea whether they are copy-pasted from somewhere or just something that just popped outta their heads. They are all so common. And that is why "Famous Quotes" is invented.

You may think of the reason why am i giving a fuck to things like this. I actually don't, but i certainly have a point of speaking this out. I am a huge fan of wordplay.. I can tell your maturity level just by how you put out your point into one beautiful sentence. I call that, an art.

more Strokes'

12345 ways to see the world and only 1 or 2 that you like.

"People tell us all the time we're gonna die from smoking, you only live once."

and that is exactly my point, living life the way that you want to live it. If other people want to live it differently then that's fine. Life is about pleasing yourself and other's, because you only live once.

Hello Oldtimers

Beechhhhinese!

Chinese today, Chinese on the streets, Chinese on the menu, Chinese homeworks, Chinese dictation, Chineseeeeeeey. But then, when I pop this song up, Boiled Goose saves my life.

so long whiskey shots & cheap cigarettes

No matter how much I kept myself away from the feeling of love,

or whenever I prioritize freedom in my life,

I must admit there are times I just need someone to love, and to be loved.

I'll take the chance, and I'll live with it.

I walked for miles till I found you, I will honor this and keep it alive.

Juju.

On Fire

"They tell you where you need to go. They tell you when you need to leave.

They tell you what you need to know. Tell you who you need to be.

But everything inside you know there's more than what you've heard,

there's so much more than empty conversations filled with empty words."

"You're on fire when He's near you. You're on fire when He speaks.

You're on fire, burning at these mysteries."

"Give me one more time around. Give me one more chance to see.

Give me everything You are. Give me one more chance to be near You.

When everything inside me looks like everything I hate,

You are the hope I have for change, You are the only chance I'll take."

back to university

I will miss our holiday moments~ don't ask me why, because...

Wonderland to Alice

I smile , you laugh, I look away
I sigh, you ask me why, I say,
It's ok and I am just feeling down
Your hand on mine I hear the words...
If only love had found us first, our lives would be different

So I stand and wait
I am just a man

Where would we be now baby, if we found each other first
Where would we be now baby,

And now I must confess
That I am a sinking ship
I'm anchored by the weight of my heart cause its filled with these feelings
I keep my true thought locked beside my hearts black box
It wont be found, it wont be found, through the smoke or the wreckage
So I crash and burn
I got a lot of things to learn

Where would we be now baby, if we found each other first
What would you do now darling, if I said these simple words
I'll wait, I'll wait...As long as you want

Where would we be now baby

I'll wait
I'll wait

Where would we be now baby, if we found each other first
What would you do now darling, if I said these simple words
I'll wait, I'll wait...As long as you want.

Where would we be now baby
I'll wait
I'll wait

Taking Steps

I keep on moving. Now I'm standing still and look around. Can I stay here? And the world says "No. You aren't done and you never will. Everyone is not ought to be."

Ben was not a believer in digital world

Ben is thinking hard.

He does not believe in digital world.

Usually he does not really care about what people are saying; especially if these people are talking about their personal life.

But he's now confused, he seems to pay attention very closely to someone. He begins to care a lot for this person until he finds out that he is having difficulty differentiating what is real and what is not anymore. Just a few hours without her, it feels like ages.

What about you?

Yea, you.

friends, snowflakes & the invisible man

micro

One of my 2010 resolutions comes true in the 2nd month of 2011, so why the hell should I complain about it! The snow is awesome xD

Terriyakidon

I lost my asianity. I ended up bleaching my hair again!

But NOO.. Bleaching your hair does not mean you disgrace yourself as an Asian. I'm proud to be Asian, and even prouder to be a Chinese Indonesian. Its just that.. I am meant to have my hair bleached today, lol.

Have any of you wonder what 'Fate' means. Is it created with your own mind which imprints a suggestion in your head that something was meant to be destined for you. You created it yourself. What if you were wrong, there is no such thing as 'Fate'. Things don't always go right, and you just can't blame yourself for how the world revolves around you.

When you're meant to live for so much more

I've been wishing I could have my doors and windows boarded so that storms wouldn't come swaying me like one piece of thin paper. I want to be a fighter who fights for control, a fighter who fights for my soul.

One day to another, I kept listening, kept seeing, kept trying to understand how every single one around me so confident of their accomplishments they made. But you know what, I have something - something which I feel like a voice in my head. It tells me that they don't look how dark days would be like. Matthew 16:26: For what profit is it to a man if he gains the world and loses his own soul?

We need to get outside of our convenient cage sometimes!

I want to have faith.

Have u already taken too much today?

I guess I was just bored. I decided not to return home during winter holidays so I have a long days here. I surfed internet a lot after I moved to a new apartment. Then I tried some social sites like WLIB and Badoo.. These are not bad, WLIB is somekind of Facebook but it is for Beijingers local or Foreigners to post a thread and discuss about stuffs. Badoo let you search people nearby to you who want to meet/date/eat chocolate with/have an icecream with/etc somebody.

2 weeks to go before class starts. And I need to make these days productive enough so I don't feel like wasting my time.

ciao.

Fart

GIRLS DON'T FART. Who in the name of the mother earth said that! As I grow up and see the world. Well actually the world to me are only these 2: Singapore, and China. I discovered that farting is no more to be ashamed of. Look at China, I'm referring to Beijing this time, people fart. The Chinese lady who was beside me when I was picking some Lays in the supermarket, farted. The elderly I encountered in a rainy evening that day, holding his umbrella, stopped and farted. The taxi driver in beijing, farted loud and clear in front of me and 3 other friends of mine. My friend, Andrew Mogi, farted with pride.

So listen, you should not joke about farting because sooner or later, China will own the world. And there will be a farting Acapella led by a chinese farting industry. Rocking your radio at home. So fart loud, and fart with joy my friends.

Frequency

"There's a ship out, on the ocean. At the mercy of the sea its been tossed about, lost and broken, wandering aimlessly. and God, somehow, you know, that ship is me."

I was surprised there's still a movie that can make my heart melt, this movie called "Frequency" reminded me of the warmth when I once a very young fella, when everyday I got my family around me. Those lyrics are found from the song "when you come back to me again" - a theme song of the movie I mentioned.

Bitchslap?

I have no idea how to deal with this kind of thing. Like I said, I start to regret approving random friend request. I hate to argue with people over silly comment, honestly. This person is kinda "bitchslapping" me by telling me to use Jambi language instead of English. How dumb a human being can be than adding a total stranger (i know i'm good looking, thats why she added me. i dont care but you got to agree) and now spoiled people's profile page with this kind of trash. Awesome name by the way.

To answer, with all of my heart and soul I'd say:

"Because I appreciate English and I look forward to improve my English. If I see someone else talking in Arab, I'd prefer not to tell them not to speak Arab but English because I know everyone gonna ask this person to suck my lollipop." ooops

My 2011 Marches On

I'm glad that my parents have been very supportive toward me all this time. The university may not be giving me a second chance for what I've done but I decided not to stop, I was kicked out from the university and got my ass out of the dormitory as well. So then I temporarily stay at my good friend's apartment and within these limited days before my dad will tell me to stop n' just return to Indonesia to work, I struggled quite a bit to find whatever way I can to be able to continue studying.

I managed to get into another university peeps! Successfully pursued my former teacher to write me a recommendation letter, and found an apartment. Just got everything settled now. Talked to my dad and he approved me for all these as long as I take it seriously this time. Yay.