sick of pretension.

Usually I always pick my friends to have an all-out party once in a while but as I wanted it different this time, I went with some people whom I just know a little about them so maybe we can know each other more. But you know, the more we know what club is all about the further you look deep inside yourself how everything that's going on is somehow so fake. Or maybe it was just me who just didn't get the feeling so it felt so fucked up inside there. It used to be fun, the energy is always there once you're inside.

But at that momentt, all I see was an empty void with robots dancing when the beats go funky.

It was dark and overloaded. Empty noises and a den of liars. But everyone wants to be like everyone. And I, I guess I'm stuck in between, with the crowd as my worst enemy. My instinct's telling me to run from all this mess.

letting it all pass

I KEPT ON WAKING UP LATE. Alarm doesn't help!

7.45AM. Without taking shower, brushed my teeth and immediately washed my hair, get a jacket, grabbed my bag, put the earphone on and rushed to this Chengxin Building. I never attended this specific class before so I was worried I would leave a bad impression to the teacher whom I even didn't know whether he/she was the kind or beastly one. It was 2-3 degree I assumed and regarding the cold wind, I decided to walk instead of biking there, which would take more time to reach. As I finally reached the building, I quickly finished my cigarette and got into the elevator to the 3rd floor. Out of the elevator, I saw the time and I realized I wasn't that late so I took my time walking slowly listening to my iPod to my classroom.

I just confidently entered the class as I listen to my iPod. I stepped in, I remember clearly I was even still switching my song without looking around. But then, the teacher stared at me when I was halfway inside the class, I looked around and "what the fuck." I have no idea whose class I entered. They were all chinese students and a chinese female teacher. EXPRESSIONLESSLY, I kept my cool, turned back and walked out. I was totally ashamed for doing that right after I was out of the class. Straight away I called a friend and asked where the class actually was. It turned out it was located near my dorm so I have to walk back again and in the end, I was late for more than 30 minutes and the fuckedup teacher actually has set a rule that any student who are 15 minutes late is considered ABSENT. Hell of a day ain't it, moreover on the next class I got calculus exam and God knows why I hate exam.

is it starting over again..

Knowing in the end I took what I hate and made it a part of me. Everytime the more I push the more I got pulled away. Who should I listen to. Is it starting over again?

precedence.

For the first time in my life, I let myself won over the laziness of waking up 7 in the morning in an unbelievable -1 degree cold outside. I have to thank my roommate, I really do. He saved me. He woke me up after several attempts. He is the man!

Just got home now. Trying to blog during this 45 minutes free time waiting to get my laundry downstairs. I'm thankful that the sun goes out today, finally. Hoping I can dry em out as soon as possible.

Sometimes when I feel all alone, I'm getting depressed having nobody I can really lean on. But then, I remember no matter how alone I feel, I know I still have people who love me out there. I'm always welcomed home and I can feel the love there. This applies to you, don't merely assume that all friends are meant to be your permanent friends. Sometimes you got to know there are friends who can just come and disappear leaving you stranded when you're being pushed down. Just believe that as long as there's love you can hold on to, you're up to carry on, reaching the furthest distance, and stand strong. Even if you have lost the most important person or people in your life, there is someone out there who loves you, prays for you. It starts when you're believing in it. So if you got friends mocking you for being who you are, for being who they think look funny, different, outcast.. Don't feel bad about it. You are cool just the way you are.

By the way I wanna post a babygirly pic;

there goes saying..

"You play a fool with her heart, I make you fool for the rest of your life."

sweet enough.

only through the iridescence

WOOO. I managed to get a new look for my blog, what do you think? Does the background look very distracting to you? I changed the title of the blog too. "An Iridescent Faith". I don't know why I chose the word "Iridescent" to describe my own thinking regarding about Faith, but I do believe that the word has its own concept of beauty.

omg. Someone texted me that my blog is getting less convenient to read already.. I'll do something about its background picture. Thank You B!

Anyway. The cold here is getting beyond GODLIKE, I mean, beyond my expectation. Early it was still like 7-15 degree, now it gets like 4 or even 3 degree. Can you imagine that? Just right after I step outside my dormitory today, the wind frost every edge of my body.

in between visions and responsibilities

Charlie had never achieved anything good except during his primary school life in grades. He wished that he could maintain what he had been doing in primary school so that he might have become an intellectual individual now but the interest in that area just faded away bit by bit over time. He couldn't even stand hanging around with people who take school as their second home. So whenever the pressure of studying is on, the urge of smoking is making him insane. He has also come to realise that he is addicted to smoking. Knowing this wasn't as easy as it looked to overcome, he then struggled hard to break this habit. Therefore he thought he could be more careful before getting involved into something without knowing the consequences in the future.

One day Charlie's parents called, asking how their child's university goes like, tired of lying, he dared to answer honestly that he has never been willing to study anymore since he got graduated from high school. But then he was crushed by the answer. His parents replied that if they could, they didn't want to work their asses off all day to pay for his university as well. He hates it so much when it comes to that point. He knows it was a decision made by his own and given only one responsibility, one thing to accomplish, to study. Hence, there goes his life continuing to seek what awaits for him in the future carrying the guilt of his own act.

Charlie's Burden.

"blogging helps out arranging all these thoughts into words,

an incredibly fucktastic media."

like the frequency inside my head

i guess this is how it feels when you care so much for someone, you sacrificed and endured so much things like you never did before but all you got is total ignorance and somehow things never go the way you want.

i'm out.

different radiance

reading sequence :

_

|12|

|34|

--

Since i own these private photos. I have the powah to censor and edit them. Beat that!

so far i'm not doing so well regarding the attendance for morning classes. especially these few days, i'm starting to wake up late. it is so typical of me to deal with this kind of things, i hate it. this problem caused me skipping morning classes and turned up only afternoon classes.

this is the real problem. when you give this impression of putting no much interest in studying to your classmates, what do you think your classmates will take you as? "Stupid student."

here what i think is happening now, my friend prefer to sit with other person which is what i am feeling now. but that is definitely normal, i need to put up her concerns rather than mine since everyone doesn't want to get fallen behind in studies for sitting with a person who didn't even turn up regularly in school. then whenever there is this grouping stuffs to do projects, if you are not the kind that seems bright enough in class, you gotta start asking for group rather than being asked to join group. so yeah, no one asked me for group and i did not ask for group lol. i know it won't be a good idea to ask my friends, so i dared myself to look for other groups instead. in the end, i got into a group of a bunch of Africans because they are looking for someone to fill the last slot of the group. not being racist here, just that i'm not used to that man. i'm the only asian boy inside. pretty sure this gonna be either very interesting group or a very disastrous moment of me if i don't put much contribution in the group. God Bless.

As tomorrow I don't have morning class, i'm so glad i don't have to wake up so early. i know budi will still tell me to sleep early, a very caring person i have ever met. but still, i don't really listen. i just replied him with silly and random jokes every time we talk. God Bless, This Mess. Good Night and Have a pleasant day for tomorrow for those who are schooling or working.

Linkin Park - Waiting For The End from ishutinow on Vimeo.

mornin glory

it's 7AM in the morning and i just want to share this song so badly. by the way, the temperature outside is like 6-7 degree now and i got class in like 50 more minutes.. and the best part will be when my teacher gonna ask me "goood morning Wanda! how are you doin!" and i feel like unleashing a breath of ice from my mouth and freeze him to death, you know why, because it is 6.30 in the morning with this kind of sick weather and i have to attend this stupid class..

it is a song by LP which you can find in their new album "A Thousand Suns"

i'm just a student of the game the world taught

Good day my good friends. the following contents might not be suitable for you cos it may contain the truth which may increase the complication of your own thinking. so yeah, good luck if you are choosing to carry on. just try to catch up with the idea my friend.

Brothers and Sisters, today is a very fine day, ain't it? i hope so. today basically i happened to ask a friend whether he has a blog or not. so then he giggled and spoke that those who blog are usually emo in real life. most of them got interest in photography too, he continued. so no, he did not blog because he's not interested in blogging. receiving such a lovely answer, i laughed back, and i did laugh hard. then i told him that i actually blog and i appreciate anything about photography. his face really turned into something else.

so why would SOME people think that way?

you know when you read so much, you watch something so much, you got that feeling of something spinning nonstop in your brain and you just want to say it out? therefore in my case, i write it down instead. whether no one is reading or not, it is another story. well i myself read my own blog and felt good about it. returning to the point about the emo thingy. i cant really say for sure but it may be right or wrong. but if someone generalize blogging that bloggers are mostly emo kids, there is something wrong with the way the brain works.

Another story, i was about to punch this 16 or 17 year old cocky kid when he really said something not nice about me feeling like he's the only kid who knows how to make things right. but then when my blood was on the top of my head, he turned into some crybaby and chilled me out explaining, correcting, shouting whatever crap to cool me down.

The thing is, kids nowadays really make you insane. they talk whatever they want, and they feel right about it. you know when i was at his age, older teens didn't even hesitate to kick me in the stomach telling me to shut up. i even remembered one day when i was playing this Gunbound online game in a LAN shop and i won against a team of teenagers who are like 5 years older than me. right after the match, they bumped into me and all of them just beat me like a dog. leaving me on the floor bleeding with my right-ear half-teared. i did cry though, i was mad and severely hurt. tears just flew through my cheeks, i couldn't barely even breathing. my friends didn't help me, they ran after seeing me kicked down from the chair. but i didn't say a word and i didn't try to make the situation right by being a crybaby and explaining whatever crap to those motherfuckers. and what i ended up is becoming a guy who don't easily respect anyone even if they are older than me. age doesn't make someone look wiser, it's how they behave and think.

This kid i mentioned didn't know how afraid i was back there. that makes it unfair.

i had real physical fights when i was a lot younger than i am now; i tasted the fear but i had to do it otherwise i gonna get bullied. (FYI, I was schooling in a Muslim primary school for 5 years.)

I got abused physically from my teachers. My own parents beat me if I made them really mad too.. thats personally my life, but i'm sure some of you got through this or even worse before.

However, all that don't go to waste, the weight of having such pain strengthen me. i don't back down easily when i got threatened by others despite of the size, age, or whoever the person might be. therefore kids nowadays need to get some beatings.

Thank You. Today's menu is bitter and a little bit spicy. Ain't that entertaining but I hope you guys can entertain yourselves at home.

dusk.

"Ambition is a dream with a V8 engine."

repressed feelings,

not needing any perfect line,

words into melodies as i represent them,

i fell on my knee and i found my way out,

to the clandestine of my heart.

::

I was wishing I could have someone I can hold on to.

these 3 songs are awesome especially "Waiting for the End" the song you always listen to every morning to start your day :) enjoy!!

So today is like the 3rd day of my streak sleepless nights. I didn't really sleep and today actually I didn't sleep at all compared to the previous two days I still had like at least 3-4 hours sleep. The syndrome of a restless heart. I think too much, that's it.

I got to say that's all for now, i got panda eyebags already. and i feel like a zombie now. gotta sleep. thanks for viewing, hope i can see you guys soon. that includes you dude who is viewing this from Singapore. miss you guys.

clandestine.

Sheit! i need more money now seriously, any idea how to convince our parents how hard it actually really seriously is to live a life with a very limited amount of resources? i mean, at least give me a fixed amount of money through some sort of deal for a month so i can manage my spending. just like a few weeks more, winter is coming. and i afforded to buy a nice zara wool jacket and a gay (Seriously it is) pair of thick pink socks to wear in dorm only, sorry for not uploading the photos, its gross.

SO, for your information, winter will take like a few months. and i swear you don't want to wear the same jacket everyday right. now going back to the problem, it is hard for me to tell my parents how to deal with this because the total spending for this first month is already like $10.000 RMB which includes my stay, food, electricity, water, and other shit. but oh gawd, everyone is spending the same or even more because it is the very first month here. we got hell loads of things to settle and you gotta pay for it. like the internet, some instant noodles we all chinese need to indulge in for breakfast or whenever we're hungry, a dispenser + mineral water gallons we have to pay monthly, coffee/cigarettes/milo, and ETC. BLAH.

it will be nice if your parents can tell you like "Okay Wanda, since you're living in Beijing, the Capital City of China where food prices aren't the same with Guangzhou, i will give u a fix amount of 2.000/2.500/3.000 RMB a month excluding your monthly dormitory bills." i will be like "Thank you, Father O'Lord of heaven, for enlightening my parents.".

So instead of that, my parents always send me a random amount of money every time i asked them i need some money. sometimes they don't even ask you how much do you need, why do you need them for. i know, i know, its not easy for them. they are working their asses off for me, and i know that so well. its just - this is the situation they kinda need to understand. unless they want me to put a tattoo saying "open for business" on my butt. im not gonna do that, no im not gay.

BY THE WAY, i have been eating these cheap fried rice, dumplings, pork this pork that which are all less than 10 YUAN lately to save money. and guess what, i thought it will be a healthy diet for me. turns out it ain't properly called a diet at all. the oil, yuck, seriously it is unhealthy and sometimes i just left the food there and paid the bill. so next time, i know what not to order.

financial crisis T.T

oh btw, why recently these "eksis" thingy all indos have been talking about really bother me? Personally thats dumb. I ain't faking myself to get recognized. Stick with the same shit people,

"don't know - don't care."

but still, don't be afraid to introduce yourself to other. be friendly at least.

JUST DON'T OVERREACT TO IT.

on your knees you will think clearer

sometimes, in life, we have to go through the so-called ups and downs. oh well. those who can't really make their mind set on something, having one purpose and work for it wholeheartedly, will easily get frustrated on something. it is true that you may feel joy at times but you are feeling down often as well.

so when someone tells you "don't think about the negative sides, always think or take the positive sides of things", that is like someone is teaching you how to lie. personally, i tend to react more on negative stuffs that people have to say. it doesn't matter how many nice things i see i focus on the negative. so if i screwed something and people give me negative comments, i will react to it and in the end it forces me to think how to solve or not to repeat the same shit all over again.

as easy as to type crap and a click on facebook. everyone is trying to shout whatever they want. stuffs like old philosophy where your parents or teachers probably had already taught you, now your friends are repeating the same shit without first looking at the meaning and think about the phrase they were about to say. but if you're the type who put your doctrine up rather than your own knowledge and thinking, too bad you will agree to everything.

sorry for bad english and grammar. i don't really care but yeah i hope you guys get the point im trying to say :)

HAVE A BLASTING DAY.

words into melodies

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

::::

don't need another perfect line

skip this.

it is for you, yes you.

the only one i have had.

the star that once kept shining in my life.

probably you know life gets boring sometimes and you need another story for yourself.

skip this.

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

repress feelings

Music Playlist at MixPod.com

why can't i just raise my voice to say

anywhere you go, anything you do...

and the drama takes place, it continues to the next level of conflict.. but something inside me just tells me not to stop..

you felt it so strong but...

Actually i almost posted about this stupid teenage story about me and a total stranger who comes into my life a few days ago. but then i decided not to post it to avoid any continuation of the cold war *cold drama suits best, actually* that has been happening here.

but wait, this one song will depict the whole story of the draft i made. i am not faking this, its just coincidental how this song can really fit the situation.

a birthday surprise, an unending rain, and great friends

it has already been 1 month stay in Beijing! that is seriously fast!

By the way, happy birthday to San Phei! i and my dorm-mates have successfully surprised her and the best part was when she cried after seeing us bumping into her room while she was sleeping.

So after the party, on the way back home riding our bikes, we were stormed with freezing rain and wind. but given with no choice, we just rushed home because the weather in Beijing is so unpredictable. even until now as i write this blog, its still raining. lucky enough, all of us have already brought our own jacket. so yeah, at least we didn't get frostbite and passed out in the middle of the way caused by the extreme cold.

wandasan's iphone's #1 most played song of the week