Burning Bright

Now that i've moved on. Today by accident i found a really old item that gives back so much precious memories to ,e. And right away, it hurts me so bad because sometimes i feel that a good person like her doesnt deserve a selfish jerk like me. But anyways, i just wish she has a blessed life and get what she deserves. No matter how hard its been all along, i just want to thank everyone and a special someone for giving me love.

honest to god i will break your heart, tear you to pieces and rip you apart

sometimes in life, your parents wont understand, your friend wont understand, neither will your boyfriend or girlfriend.

and no matter how hard you try, there is no possibility to treat your own boyfriend/girlfriend as your bestfriend because they are just not. they gonna annoy you with all the words that you dont need to hear.

Meaning of Dream

I just had the strangest dream in my life. I was murdered or killed.

The story goes like, it begins in a church. I don't know how I got there but I didn't put myself there. The dream put me there. 

I was there standing, and to my surprise I saw my ex-girlfriend and my girlfriend there with me. It is kinda blur at this part but all I did was trying to get out of it like as if I could not take it to be there. So I took them out as well. 

The next thing happened was I and my brother were sent to a big ship. I went into the ship to assassinate a guy who looks like Hitler. After sneaking and stuff, we were in this spiral ladder and Hitler showed up. Ridiculously, I chose to throw away the gun before Hitler sees me so that I can reason with him that I was there not to kill him. Apparently he was not interested in any talking, anyone who dares to sneak into his ship is dead. He then shot my brother first and then me. 

Strange, but I swear it scared the fuck out of me. I dreamt a lot, but this one is the true nightmare.

The part when I was shot, It just went pitch black. A complete darkness and all I did was thinking whether I was really dead or not. I could not get out even I tried, trapped in a dark. It feels like hours, I tried to wake myself up but I just could not. I felt miserable, and I regret for not saving my brother. "If only I dared to stand and just shoot Hitler instead of giving excuses."

So then, after I woke up. I cant fucking get rid of the dream. I even barely remember what happened but I know I was killed in the dream. Then I googled "Dream of being killed means"

Here is what I found:

To dream that you have been killed suggests that your actions are disconnected from your emotions and conscience. The dream refers to drastic changes that you are trying to make. There is a characteristic that you want to get rid of or a habit that you want to end within yourself. Killing represents the killing off of the old parts and old habits. Alternatively, the dream represents feelings of being let down or betrayed by someone in your waking life. You are feeling overwhelmed, shocked and disappointed.

This shit has a strong message.

drink it down and smile

You are a hipster. 80% of the kids I met are hipsters. yes, they think they are hip and cool.

Let me tell you something, I will never get along with ya. You turn on mainstream music mp3 u downloaded somewhere off the internet and played them over and over. You wear that hip-hip jacket, big-big glasses, and maybe you have to bring an umbrella as well during the day. You want to be just like the crowd, when you aren't you to think you are old-fashioned. 

OH FUCK YOU. you all are fags. 

Right where I belong

I don't know but I believe I am much more fired up to get things done pretty well here in Suzhou.

Maybe it was because that I needed myself to know back when I was in Indonesia how restless and useless I was to come back home but not having my purpose fulfilled. And this time I am given a chance to finish this.

And talking about age, by the way I begin to feel OLD, man! I am no longer like some of those fresh highschool graduates who feel that being put to study aboard is a Total Freedom. What I feel now is, you are meant to be here because you have something to be accomplished. Yeah, I guess that's about it. Another wall of texts, im sorry for not putting any picture, haven't been taking group pictures or anything here.

Haha Huhu~

So I was like going to this karaoke with my cousin and his gf. Unexpectedly they were bringing more friends which I haven't met before yet. So I just enjoyed the karaoke and just being easy going as easy as i can (wtf is going easy as easy as i can?)

so after some times, i finally came out with a "yes" after they asking me to sing a fucking song for so many times. I was shy but fuck it. that eminem feat rihana love the way you lie song pops and i blast like one fucking rapping star man. eventhough i got out of breath at some moments but i totally stunned them and myself, actually, that i could do the rap quite flawlessly MAN! HAHAHAH. it was definitely an epic shame for the 2 guys who deliberately chose linkin park "in the end" song and messed up the rap and verses, totally. hahahhaha.

Was fun. no PUN intended LOL. I know you guys are viewing this. THANKS :D

who you reaching out to?

somehow i'm so obsessed with this song and the rap.

by the way...

a very typical shit you all may be going through is backstabbers - if you live with many different people in different places like me. well, dealing with backstabbers, there is one thing I learned and i think you should know: they are only powerful when you have your back turned.

bringing chorus to the dirt

I wanted to blog so much, since I have plenty of times all night long going through this insomnia madness. But I know I must not put another walls of text full of rants. Plus, somehow I can't access deviantart from here. This sucks so bad :(

The only time I enjoy myself is only when I am out of this house spending time with my fellow friends. Maybe thats cus I let go some disturbing thoughts when I'm hanging out. Once I step into my house, all the pressure and shit start filling my head and bam - I have issue dealing with my mum. I got mad so easily. Oh gawd what should I do.. this shit will still apply though "Laugh at your problems, everybody else does."

Flightless Bird

I don't know if anyone is still reading this blog. It ain't like 2009! My blog is now quite boring xD I know it, but its just me - I just love to write whatever that comes on my mind ever since I was a very young kid. I used to make my own silly heroic stories on wordpad when I was a very young kid, no kidding.

So now why am I so afraid of falling down. This is the main point of this posting, my deepest fear in life.

I may be growing in a good enough family, having enough for almost everything - materials and non-materials.

But, eventually, things change. I have to take responsibility in life, and the most important thing is to learn how to survive without taking a free ride.

Honestly I am unhappy with my present state. Unhappy with myself. Unhappy with the outcome of my life. It is too late to change the past no matter how much I talk it over, and complain about it, and I will still be in the position I am in.

I can no longer live the life like I had, I must change my ways. I have to make the right choice.

Easier said then done, I know. But at least I realized how lucky I have been all along. Things will get better in time because I still believe the best is yet to come.

CHEERS!

everyday rollercoasters

I am pausing this tiny little moment. I am going to do a little self reflection.

I am asking myself why the older I get, the more I rant. Look at my postings and my facebook statuses, those are merely pointless rants.

Life is life, but sometimes you just gotta introspect yourself.

So just let me live my life. (I don't really have to mention this but, seriously no offense.)

I hate this but I suck at convincing people that I am pretty much always solo things that I do. So whenever I refuse somebody's involvement, it is just hard to avoid them from taking hard feeling over it. To be honest though, I am happy to be independent. I am happy doing my own things. I am happy not to be nosy enough to involve myself in unnecessary gatherings, social thingy shit, or anything else that does not interest me.

whatever you're doing

I used to love and I did break people's heart. Once that happened, it infused one or two things into my mind which the main point is: "If you dare to love, you are about to hurt her". Hence, this kind of mindset keeps me alone and keeping a distance from any females just cuz i'm afraid to fall for someone.

Here is the thing. At my age, honestly I need a companion. Friends are friends, lovers are lovers. But sometimes you need someone you can call her/him a partner. Someone who has the passion to accompany you, understand you, and of course he/she must suit to your personal liking. Being scared of hurting or to be hurt is an excuse. And here I am, throwing away all those excuses, starting anew. Whats gonna happen next? It is up to you.

memories

When February became June
Their affection fought the cold
But they couldn't quite remember
What inspired them to go

And it was beautifully depressing
Like a streetcar named desire
They were fighting for their love
That had started growing tired

Oh memories where'd you go

the road

Perhaps its right it IS when you start dreaming of the bad things that means you don't have to worry much because you know you're still fighting. when life is full of luxuries, thats when you gotta have to worry, son!

Savior

Have u ever gone through this, that at one point, you just want to say "Fuck it! I had enough.". The whole life I have been taking a free ride. Hence, I have to bear this so called "Guilt" which commonly known as "responsibility" as a good son. Everything is like set and stone, I am bound to do what I am supposed to do. I am not even given a choice to give out my opinion on life. This is bullshit. Even without a degree, I will choose to live my life the way I want it to be. Right from this second, I gotta think and act like a big man. Bottom line, I act not because I'm told to, is because I chose to. Another thing, my parents have been having issues in between them. I don't know, I can just feel it. It is kinda embarrassing to say but I fucking dare you that this happens to lots of people out there. I can't fix it for them, I will try though. But they are big enough to settle their own problem.

I could tell you but I wouldn't

I actually honestly really seriously do. but i regard my pride for too high that i don't really actually ridiculously even try to regard any other to win me in every fucking way over you ;) THIS!

XoXo KthxBai.

I don't know but I have the heart of rebels. I often rebel to ideas, especially when those are what most of people agreed to. And why recently I hate to give people "Happy Birthday" and shit when I see they are having one through the notification on facebook. WHYY.. i dont even know that i even hide my own birthday so that no random people would appear suddenly to give me a birthday message. I know, its a good intention. Yet, I may say i appreciate it and shit when i actually dont. you're doing it just because everyone does it. its all facebookers' nature. dont lie.

"Hey Wanda, when will you stop being a douche?" Toasty said.

"Everyone's a douche, in fact, everyone is retard to me. Unless you prove yourself otherwise." I replied.

on my own

You want a bye. I give you a bye if that makes you happy. You want juju? I show you who juju is. It has never been fucking enough. and yeah I never understand. Say whatever you want.

vulture

Classes bore me to death. No money at all that I only eat once a day borrowing from housemate. Smoked 2 packs a day. My Neroheart is jailed. My chinese aint improving much since i am lazy to install interest-plugin into my brain function. sleep all day, up all night during weekends. And I have to understand someone's state of feeling when I cant even understand mine at all.

'When life gives you lemons, fuck the lemons.'

awakening

Do you have the courage to give up what you think are important for so long? I don't. But I learned that letting go is one of the most important thing in life which requires a courage of losing everything but for a purpose. It is a twist in your story, the moment you will realize somehow you've made a tough decision. For your own.